Welcome to my blog!

Hello and welcome to my blog!  I am the proud mom of three daughters; one of whom is 23 and has severe special needs.  This blog is my way of documenting the struggles and joys of raising Hannah, the only one of the three I gave birth to. The past year has been transformational for me and I've come to a point where I have a strong need to document my experiences raising her with the hope I can help someone else going through the same thing.  When I have someone give me credit for parenting Hannah I always say the same thing: parenting any child is tough, I just have different challenges than parents of neurotypical children. Every parent needs to know they are not alone.  This is my way of doing that.  To anyone reading this, you are not alone and you've got this!

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Why won't she give me a moments peace???

Frustration.  It's real and it's something I deal with most days but I've learned how to handle it.  Some days I do a better job at handling it than others.  Here's the issue: Hannah can't effectively communicate and she is autistic so she perseverates on things and it can make me feel like I'm going out of my mind.  Perseveration is when she gets stuck on an idea or topic and can't be distracted away from it.  It's the equivalent of a verbal child asking the same thing over and over and over again.  You give an answer and 5 minutes later they ask the same thing as if you never addressed them.  It's frustrating on a good day but after a long, tiring day it's too much to bear.   And Hannah is relentless.  She doesn't give up and tire easily or quickly. In order to communicate, Hannah points to things, using some sign language, has a few vocalizations and words, and has an iPad that has an app on it called Prologo2go.  It is an additi...
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It's my fault

With the grief that accompanied the realization Hannah was not going to be who I imagined came the guilt.  The guilt that I was grieving to begin with because I didn't feel I had that right since she was very much alive. The guilt that I must have done something wrong when I was pregnant to make her this way.  The guilt that I wasn't a good enough mother; I wasn't patient enough, I couldn't calm her down, I didn't anticipate her meltdowns and prevent them before they happened.  And on and on and on. It's exhausting when I think about it.  I was consumed with worry, grief, and guilt.  The guilt that I must have done something wrong was like a black cloud constantly hanging over my head. I was solely responsible for taking care of and nurturing this little girl from conception until birth so it must be my fault that she has these struggles, right?  I ate well, didn't drink alcohol, didn't smoke, even drank bottled water because I was concerned about the ta...
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Guilt can be crushing

   When Hannah was 9, she had her first grand mal seizure.  The scariest thing about this was I was away at the time so I couldn't even be with her.  Hello, Guilt, my old friend.  Here's what happened... It was April 2009, a little more than a month before I met my husband Steve. I was working as an 8th-grade science teacher in Newtown, CT.  Each year, the 8th grade students had the opportunity to attend a three-day trip to Washington DC that ran from Wednesday morning until Friday night.  I was one of the chaperones for my cluster so I arranged for Hannah's father to watch her while I was gone.  Bright and early Wednesday morning we boarded the buses for the 6 hour trip to Washington DC.   About four hours into the trip, I was watching a movie when my phone rang.  When I answered it, the only thing I heard was Hannah screaming.  In an instant my heart sank and I felt like I was going to vomit. This is the call no parent wants to re...
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