Trusting yourself

I'm sorry I haven't added a blog entry in so long but I've been super busy building my business!! Today I felt the need to talk about trust. It's vital to having a healthy relationship with yourself and with others but so many don't have a clear sense of it in their life.  I'd like to share my journey going from mistrust to trust with the hope I can help someone else.

When I looked up the definition of trust in the dictionary it said, "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."   I'll admit I struggled with having trust in anything and anyone for much of my life. I didn't think others were particularly reliable or truthful, and I wasn't sure how strong I truly felt in my core.  I appeared strong, but I don't think I really embodied what that meant.  

I was the type to "do it myself" because I thought I was the only one who could do it right - a bit of a control freak you'd say.  How exhausting!!  I didn't realize how exhausting it was while I was doing it because I didn't know any other way.  In my younger years, I had no idea who I was.  I lacked trust in myself so I lacked trust in everyone else. My way of compensating for this mistrust was to do it myself.  At least then I knew what to expect and wouldn't be disappointed when someone didn't follow through with what they said they would do.  When I look back at my younger self, I feel sad for her. She really was strong even though she didn't feel it a lot of the time, but she had built a lot of walls around her because of the mistrust. Walls built to provide a sense of safety but provided isolation and a lack of true connection instead.  

When we experience something, we develop a belief.  If it is a good experience, we form a belief that is helpful to us. If it is a bad experience, we develop a belief that we think is going to help up avoid experiencing it again.  Sometimes, it does help us avoid the experience again but often it creates a wall.  Let me use myself as an example: I was raised in a house where I provided for, but there was a lot of dysfunction. I had no sense of who I truly was. All I knew is that I had to be in tune with my environment at all times so I could quickly adjust my behavior based on the energy of those around me.  I became a champion observer.  This helped me in many ways but not really in the way I needed it to. Because I didn't know who I was I was a control freak I attracted people into my life just like me.  This led to destructive relationships where others tried to tell me who I was and convinced me I was worthless.  Being a champion observer, I saw what these people were but couldn't figure out why I kept attracting them into my life. What you need to understand is that the energy you put out is the energy you will attract. I was putting out an unsure energy so that is what I attracted.  Unsure people want to control because they feel out of control.  It took me YEARS to figure this out.  

Being a mom to Hannah was the primary catalyst to me figuring this out and changing it.  Raising her has been a gift in so many ways but it has also been incredibly challenging.  Finding my spirituality and connecting with energy in a new way has helped me find myself.  You see, when you don't trust other people, what you really lack is a trust in yourself.  You don't trust your decision making process or you don't trust you will be able to handle the outcome of a situation.  If a guy has cheated on you in the past, you may develop the belief that every man is a cheater or can't be relied on so the next person you date already has been labelled a cheater/unreliable when they've done nothing to deserve that label.  When you continue with this belief and think every time he doesn't call or text you within 5 minutes that he's with someone else, that's the energy you are putting out.  He's feeling that energy and knows he doesn't deserve it because he hasn't done anything wrong so he gets angry.  If it continues going this way, the relationship will end verifying for you that men can't be relied on.  The thing is, you've created the situation by holding onto the belief and putting out the thoughts and energy that led to the destruction! It's a vicious cycle that will continue to repeat until you are willing to accept responsibility and change what needs to be changed.

 I've had a few dumpster fire relationships in my life that led me to be hesitant to put myself out there for fear of another failed relationship with a guy that didn't treat me right.  I thought it was a lack of trust in them when, in actuality, it was a lack of trust in my ability to discern who was a good guy and who wasn't.  When Hannah was 4 and her father and I divorced, I thought I would never put myself out there again.  After all, I had her to worry about and protect.  And, too, I wasn't sure anyone would come along that would want to date me and accept Hannah.  This is the energy I was putting out.  Add to that, the walls I had built around myself were strong and they were tall.  It's no wonder the right guy wasn't coming through!  For years I had no interest in dating but when I decided to try again I knew I had to bring the walls down; I just didn't know how. 

Chipping away at the walls began when I truly tapped into my intuition and understood what energy was and how I could tap into it to serve me in my life.  When I started to trust how I was feeling (this "gut" feeling)  and noticed it worked out, I tried it again.  When that worked out I began to see that this feeling I had in my gut was actually helping me to trust myself in a way I never had before. It was slow motion but it was forward motion.  That's what was important. Eventually, I looked at my life and where I was and took responsibility for my part in it.  I knew I had a need for control because I didn't trust. When I was willing to look at it and change it, my energy shifted.  I wasn't blaming other people for my life - I was taking accountability.  In the end, I met Steve.  I trusted my intuition when it came to him and slowly began to trust him with my heart and with Hannah.  I, for the first time, could rely on someone other than myself which I know is a struggle for so many moms; especially those of us with children with special needs. It was hard and I slid back a few times, but over the years I've learned to trust myself completely so I, as a result, have learned to trust others.  And I have the knowledge that if I get disappointed or hurt by someone, I'm going to be just fine!

If this resonates with you and you are ready to learn to trust but you need help, reach out to me.  I've been there so I know how it feels and I also know the steps to help you learn to trust yourself again or for the first time, as was the case with me.  You can comment here, go to riseuptotransform.com to schedule a free consultation and sessions, or you can email me at riseuptotransform@gmail.com.

No matter what, know I'm here for you, you are strong, and you've got this!!