Why won't she give me a moments peace???

Frustration.  It's real and it's something I deal with most days but I've learned how to handle it.  Some days I do a better job at handling it than others.  Here's the issue: Hannah can't effectively communicate and she is autistic so she perseverates on things and it can make me feel like I'm going out of my mind.  Perseveration is when she gets stuck on an idea or topic and can't be distracted away from it.  It's the equivalent of a verbal child asking the same thing over and over and over again.  You give an answer and 5 minutes later they ask the same thing as if you never addressed them.  It's frustrating on a good day but after a long, tiring day it's too much to bear.   And Hannah is relentless.  She doesn't give up and tire easily or quickly.

In order to communicate, Hannah points to things, using some sign language, has a few vocalizations and words, and has an iPad that has an app on it called Prologo2go.  It is an additional way for her to get her needs met. She taps a picture that I've programed and it speaks for her.  Sign language was never successful because of her motor skills; she can't get her fingers to make the signs and she struggles with coordination.  Her iPad is helpful for many things, but I'm sure it doesn't have a picture for every single thing she could want and she can't type out sentences so understanding her is often a guessing game.  She makes certain sounds and has her own language that I can usually understand but sometimes I have no clue what she is trying to express and her iPad isn't helpful.  It's like trying to understand a toddler just learning to vocalize.   As an example, she sometimes makes an "f" sound that could mean multiple things!  Sometimes she is talking about her sister, other times Steve, and other times it's none of these.  Then she may point to Steve's car because before Mia got her license, he would pick her up and bring her to our house. So I ask her questions trying to figure out what she's asking and she will either nod her head yes or say no.  Those are two ways she communicates that I can rely on; she has yes and no down pat.  If I figure out what she is asking she is happy and walks away but is back, usually within 5 minutes, asking the same darn thing again! It doesn't matter how many times I answer her; it's like she forgets the answer.  I know it's part of her disability but when I'm tired and she's been hammering at me all day I want to cry.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if I continually answer her or just ignore her. She just doesn't stop. Other days she does it very little.  The weekends are usually the worst.  She will ask to go to a specific restaurant all day long and when it's time to get ready to go she says no.  Really?  Now you don't want to go?  You've got to be freaking kidding me.  It makes no sense.  And sometimes she asks to go the restaurant and my answer is no for whatever reason.  Actually, there doesn't have to be a reason; the answer is just no.  I don't give in to her every whim and if I tell her no I stick to it.  She's relentless as it is so giving in when I've said no is not an option because she will absolutely learn that if she pushes me long enough I'll cave. As hard as it is to deal with, I do because the alternative is worse. 

Here's what I do to help myself get through these days: I cry, I go in my bedroom and lock the door and ignore her when she starts banging on the door, I act silly to make her laugh and break the loop her brain is in, I take a break and go outside if it's a nice day, I meditate, I journal, I do my breathing exercises, I listen to music. If this sounds familiar to you, the key is to do SOMETHING in order to preserve your sanity.  Some people don't have anyone to watch their child or have other reasons they can't get away.  If that is you, I invite you to go to the bathroom, lock the door, put on headphones for a few minutes and listen to music and breathe.  Find an outlet somewhere because you deserve it.  It's important to find joy and peace amongst the chaos! 

Trust me when I say you are not alone and you've got this!!!